I feel like Shirley MacLaine in Steel Magnolias where she says, ‘I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for forty years!” It feels as though this pregnancy has left me with nothing but a very large gut and a very bad mood. I know that’s not fair to the little girl inside of me because she’s not trying to piss me off. But I’m just so incredibly ready to have her here with me. I can’t wait to hold her, rock her, nurse her, introduce her to my husband and son who only know her as the occasional belly wave and the reason why Mommy is a little bratty.
I know I should be enjoying this more, and I’m honestly really trying to do so. I have my moments where I just feel so amazing that I have the ability to grow a person. I mean, how cool is that? I’m growing an actual person inside of me right now. When she rolls around, I love it. When I can see her little foot poking through my skin, I love it. When she sticks her foot inside my left rib cage while simultaneously pressing her head down on my bladder and sticking her butt in my right rib cage, not so much. When I pee a little bit every single time I sneeze, not so much. When I have to get a big push from behind to get out of the bed, not so much. I find myself just being plain mean to my husband, and yet somewhat nicer to my mother. What gives? I guess it could be because I’m having a girl, and I can now understand all the s#*t I put my mother through. But there’s no excuse for the way I’ve been treating my husband. He’s amazing and loving and understanding and perfect and I love him dearly for giving me the ability to be a mother again. I just don’t want him anywhere near me because we are both very fertile and I do not want this to happen to me ever again. Ever.
My cousin just gave birth to a baby girl two nights ago and I’m jealous. Jealous, that she has hers and I don’t have mine. Ridiculous, very ridiculous, I know. It sounds perfectly crazy to even remove those words from the safe, private place that is my brain. But I know I’m not the only one who feels or have felt this way during pregnancy. Not a lot of women want to admit to feeling these things. We’re trained, as a species, to gloss over the negative and put on a big, fancy show for all the world to see. We’re supposed to welcome strange hands on our bellies, inappropriate body comments from ticket takers and grocery baggers. We’re just supposed to feel like a circus act for 9 months. But I don’t think that’s fair. It’s not all perfect and glossy. Yes, it is wonderful and amazing and magical, but it’s also uncomfortable, bumpy and painful.
My husband and I have everything done around the house that needs to get done before the baby gets here (which could be any day now considering our son came 3 weeks early…). We have our ‘Go Bags’ packed, the nursery complete with bedding on the crib and diapers in the catty, our check-list of things to do before we leave the house, my post-birth meal planned out (Sushi and Champagne) and any possible baby/dogsitters lined up for the emergency phone call. And now all we have to do is wait. Waiting has never been my strong suit, which I’m guessing you’ve figured out by now, but I’m trying and doing a lot of baking to make the waiting a little easier. Baking has always calmed me, which is exactly what I need right now. I don’t, however, need to eat so much of the things I’ve been baking so if you’re a neighbor to me, please come over and take something home with you. And while you’re here, please do not tell me how huge I am. Because that will make me want to hit you and then bake something else and then that would just be more work for everyone.
As I write this, John Denver is singing softly, ‘All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go…’
This recipe comes from a back issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine by way of my blogger friend, Sebia of ‘Sebia Cooks’. She appropriately titled the recipe ‘Blondies for my baby’ so I couldn’t resist trying it out. The only change I made in the recipe was to increase the salt from 1/4 tsp to 3/4+, as I happen to like a well-salted sweet. These blondies are absolutely delicious, the best I’ve ever tasted, and I encourage you all to try them, pregnant or not. Thanks Sebia!
2 cups AP flour
1 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp + a pinch of kosher salt
1 1/4 sticks of butter, softened
2 cups light brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 TB vanilla extract
1 cup semi sweet chocolate chips
1 cup peanut butter chips
-350* Grease and Flour a 9 x 13in glass baking dish.
-Mix together your dry ingredients, set aside.
-In your stand mixer, cream the butter and brown sugar until creamy.
-Add the eggs, one at a time, then the vanilla.
-Slowly add your dry ingredients while mixing, and blend well.
-Stir in all the chips.
-Press the dough into the prepared pan (this comes out more like a cookie dough than a brownie dough, so you will have to use a wet spatula or your wet hands to press it evenly into the pan.
-Bake 30 min or until the edges have come away from the sides of the pan and the top is a light, golden brown. Do not overbake!
-Allow to cool before cutting into squares.