A large part of me loves, no, needs my food to be as homemade as possible. No additives, unnecessary sodium or pretend ingredients. My body does not know what to do with fake food.

My body does not know what to do with fake anything, and maybe that’s the real issue. And remembering who I used to be, and knowing who I am now, that’s a whole lot to wrap my brain around.

I used to be immersed in fake everything. The thing I thought was family, the idea I had about who I was and who I was meant to stay being, the people I trusted… All of that ended up being fake. Just like the things I put into my body. Diet this and lite that. There were year stretches when I didn’t look at a carb. Anything to cut a calorie, fake a food, or fake a feeling of support and love, I did. And I guess the body is loyal enough to believe that food and love is whatever you tell it to be.

I lied to my body so much as a younger person.

It was my method of survival.

But then the other part of me loves, no, needs my food to be uncomplicated and easily attainable without lacking in amazing deliciousness. That’s how I need all the things in my life. And sometimes I will fight like hell for an uncomplicated and easily attainable thing that does not lack in amazing deliciousness.

Even if that doesn’t make any sense.

Like my life, my food needs to be something that I can assemble quickly, with confidence, and without the unnecessary amount of energy and steps that would otherwise take me away from this most beautiful and precious life.

Finding the balance of those two things is what generally brings me to create and share new recipe ideas. It is also the thing that brings me to create and share new things with people in my life. I am constantly looking for things to connect me to the people I love.

And, admittedly, I am constantly looking for things that disconnect me to the people I love. Because if you’ve had such a great disconnect as the one I had, from the things you were born to assume is safe and secure, then you’ve been trained to think disconnection is everywhere. I don’t want to be looking for these things, and yet, I have to be honest and say that I do. And that nasty habit can cause a lot of waves and ripples in otherwise still waters,
and I’m working on that.

I promise I’ll work on that harder. So, to anyone in my life who has felt the push and the pull of me trying to figure out my place inside of a new love…

I promise to work on that harder.

But when it comes to trust, I’m very much Bambi on ice. It’s all scary slippery and there are cracks everywhere I look and so many ways for me to fall, and if I could just remember that my legs are strong and sturdy because I made them that way, I’ll be ok.

And if I know I have a hand to hold, even if I fall down, I’ll be ok.

I promise I’ll work on that harder.

…

I used to have a lot to prove when it came to everything in life. Recipes, included. I needed to be the best. And the sheer thought of not being the best cut me deeply. I don’t have that inside of me anymore. I don’t have a desire to beat you in anything, or prove to you that I can. I know who I am now. And I think that’s the thing that was missing in the old me.

I grew up in a household run by people who spent their days looking for competitions and arguments to enter and dominate. I was a toddler learning to walk, and that alone entered me into a competition of who could make it through the door first. This story was family lore and was told and re-told behind tears of laughter whenever possible. I never understood it, or why it was funny to try to beat a toddler in anything, let alone walking. But it was the beginning of my never quite learning to trust the ground beneath me.

The winner of anything in that household was always the elder in the space. And when you are, by default, always the younger person in that dynamic… guess who’s the perpetual loser?
So while I grew up always losing, I still tried so very hard to win at something, anything I could. And remembering that I don’t have to do that anymore can sometimes come in waves of relief, and confusion.

Being accepted for simply being me is the most beautiful gift I could ever ask for. And it’s also still new.

Because when you’re a kid who never gets the approval you were trained to think is the prize, you either die trying…
Or are fortunate enough like I was to realize that you simply don’t have to play their game any longer.

And while that is the most amazing gift I was given, it still doesn’t mean it’s an easy adjustment to make after 39 years of thinking one thing to be true.

So now, without that soggy carrot being dangled in front of my face every day, life is so much smoother. And I have a really unique and almost superpower-esque perspective on it all. I can look back on who I thought I needed to be, and the people who needed me to be that thing, and it all comes through as a very clear lesson.

What I’ve learned from having that perspective is that if you’re the kind of person who sees everything as a competition and a game, you’re completely unaware of who you are. That’s why you’re trying to achieve so many things every moment of every day. That’s why you need to beat someone in something all the time.
You wake up every morning on such a fragile foundation of self that you need those little wins to sketch your outline and stuff your insides. You’re desperately reaching for all that you can to build and create your person every day.

Like the pigeon on the streets of Manhattan building his nest out of bubble gum wrappers, cigarette butts and and condoms because that’s all he can find.

It’s a method of survival.

But once you find yourself, once you get to finally figure out who you truly are… there is no longer anything to fight anyone for.

Because finding yourself really is the ultimate prize in life.

And, as a Bambi on ice level of a smooth transition, I will say…
And so is finding the ultimate pancake mix recipe.

smooth, right?

…

I have always eaten my pancakes without syrup, and by hand like it’s bread. Or anything other than a pancake. I have no reasoning for this, it’s just what I do.

And I have always preferred my pancakes to be dense, substantial and thick, rather than wispy, light and crispy. If this sounds like an awful concept to you, you’d need to add more water than I suggest below.

Or find a different pancake lady.

As I mentioned above, I’m not using any fake stuff here. But it’s still a complete mix. How do I do that? With the help of some incredible and very useful pantry staples of mine… and now maybe yours!

Lots of dehydrated powders of otherwise wet things really make this recipe possible.
And here are the links of the products you will need to make this a complete pancake mix. And also the rye flour that I have to order because my grocery store stopped carrying it :

• Honey powder
• Maple Sugar
• Powdered Buttermilk (or this brand found in most grocery stores)
• Powdered Butter
• Whole Egg Powder
• Rye flour

And now I will introduce you to my family’s favorite new pancake💜

Whole Grain Complete Pancake Mix
( just add water! )

Through a strainer, sifter, or seive placed over a large bowl, combine the following :

• 2 cups white, all purpose flour
• 2 cups rye or whole wheat flour (sub 4 cups total all white if desired, but all whole wheat / rye has not been tested for quality)
• 1/4 cup honey powder or maple sugar (sub white sugar if desired)
• 1 cup powdered buttermilk
• 2/3 cup powdered butter
• 1/4 cup whole egg powder
• 4 tsp baking powder
• 4 tsp fine salt

Press it all through the strainer to get rid of all lumps. The buttermilk powder, especially, can be very lumpy.

Mix well to equally combine.

This is your mix! And you can now separate it into 2 batches if desired.
Half of a batch makes 8 large pancakes and can happily feed a family of 4.
If you are halving it, you will have 3 1/4 cups of the mix in each half.

Store in an airtight container in the fridge or freezer for optimal freshness, for up to a year.
Can be stored at room temperature for 3-5 days before mixing and making.

To make pancakes,
either mix the entire batch of dry mix (equal to 6 1/2 cups) with 4 cups cold water

OR

half the batch of dry mix (equal to 3 1/4 cups) with 2 cups cold water

Using a whisk, or mixer, slowly add the water to the mix in a large bowl until everything is combined. If for some reason your batter is too thick for stirring, add up to 1/3 more water, slowly until desired consistency is reached.

Ladle a couple large spoonfuls of the batter onto a medium-low griddle. Grease with butter if it’s not a trusted non-stick type.

Once the bubbles appear and then pop, you’re ready to flip them.

Cook until done.

Eat them with syrup and butter or whatever else you choose to top them with…

Or like, the Complete Me – by hand, standing by the griddle before feeding the people you love something you created out of your love for them.

…

thanks for reading, ya’ll . much love x