My daughter has always liked the song, ‘Believer’ by Imagine Dragons. I’ve liked it too; singing along with her when it came on, bopping to the beat. It’s a fun song and hard not to move to.
I do not know the lyrics to ‘Believer’ by Imagine Dragons.
I do not know the lyrics to most of the songs I sing along to on the radio, but it does not slow me down from singing what I think they’re saying.
I thought in ‘Fast Car’ by Tracy Chapman she was saying ‘I had a feeling I could pee some more, pee some more, pee some more…’, when in actuality she is saying ‘I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone….‘ Granted I was 7 and the giggles from my 5 year old brother in the back of the red Aerostar were likely the genesis of the misnomer, but it still is hard not to sing about her having to pee whenever the tune comes on.
This morning I was up with the moon looking through old footage.
It was very Clark Griswold in the attic.
I constantly marvel at who you are, where you came from and how lucky I am to get to fit into your story.
Thirteen years ago, you came too early. But took your time.
Your insides weren’t ready to leave me, so they took you away.
I waited for days upon days before I could hold you and feel you again. Days upon days to kiss you, feed you.
Hold you.
Thirteen years ago, I fought my hardest fight while you fought yours – miles away from each other.
We were no longer sharing a home and I have never felt so empty in all of my life.
You are no longer little, no longer dependent upon my grasp, but I feel as though it was yesterday when I could fit you into the nook of my forearm.
I can still hear your first words, your first laugh, watch your first step, and it’s all too hard to believe it was that long ago. And yet, the amount of life we have lived together seems impossible to fit into this small amount of time.
My life started when I got to hold you in my arms.
You gave me the purpose I had always ached for.
And I have gotten to watch you grow into the boy I could only have dreamed of.
The kind of boy this world needs more of –
Kind. Smart. Thoughtful.
Intentionally Tender and Inspiringly Carefree.
That same tiny heart that struggled to do its job thirteen years ago has grown into the biggest and hardest working heart I know.
And I will never, ever let a day go by where you don’t feel my pride for you and my never-ending gratitude for the man you are letting me raise.
I am here for you forever and always. I will fight anything and everything in order to make you feel safe, loved and accepted for precisely who you continue to choose to be.
Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all – you got it, baby.
Yours in head scratches and breakfast cake,
Your Mommy.
P.S. The fact that you would electively fill blessing bags for families in need with your family makes you the coolest damn teenager I know.
Fourth wall break – To those of you who helped us honor him today, I thank you here. I am grateful.
Hey guys! Well, my goodness…when someone takes a break, it sure can concern a lot of people!
Thank you for all the well wishes and worry, but there truly is no need. The texts, the DM’s, the neighborly gestures, the phone calls… all so very sweet but none of you seem to believe me when I or my husband say, ‘WE’RE GREAT! PROMISE!’ 😅
Although I don’t believe it’s necessary to justify or explain one’s personal choices, I have become aware that many of you are convinced I’m now a ghost.
So.
I shared personal reasons for my silence in my instagram birthday post HERE but my family’s perceived absence in the real world seems to now be causing the concern!
So.
I hope using this platform to reach as many of you as I can will ease anyone’s mind from here on out💚.
Dear beautiful people of the real and cyber world,
Today we said goodbye to our first baby. Bailey made it to her 18th birthday before finishing her 9th life with us. My husband and I adopted her before we were married when we desperately wanted to be parents, but knew we still needed to live a little bit more first.
She was my first adult pet, and the pet my kids have always known.
She’s just always been here. And now I find myself not knowing what to do with my hands, or how I could possibly open the front door without hearing her meow that harmonized with the creek of the hinges.
To say Bailey was an odd cat is like saying the sky is blue. She loved being scratched behind her ears and on her cheeks and chin, but only until she deemed it completely rude to be doing so, and would leave you crouched down, alone, like a fool.
She’d sit on anything square shaped placed on the floor, and I desperately miss waking up to her sitting on my chest staring into my waking eyes like a creep when she lived inside and slept in our bed.
Once she became an outdoor cat, Bailey began a new life and found her true self. She was always meant to be outdoors, and getting to watch her thrive that way was a great gift to all of us.
She was a beautiful cat, heather grey and pink, and talked more than necessary.
She loved canned peas, my sourdough bread and amazon boxes.
She was a fearless badass, but had compassion for the neighborhood possum who often shared her water bowl.
Today, as a family, we helped dig the hole in our yard where she now sleeps in peace. We covered her with wildflowers we collected on our nature walk this morning, and rocks from the creek in the back.
And we all cried and held each other as we told her how much she meant to us.
The last time I was with her, she let me scratch her behind her ears longer than she ever has before.
This is a surreal time in your lives. You are 12 and 9 and without much warning, you were taken out of school, taken away from your friends, from playdates, from familiar schedules… your entire world was turned upside down. And I look at you beautiful creatures every day and marvel at your compassion and understanding and maturity during all of it.
We are learning your schooling together, you are learning more of what it is that I do every day to provide a safe and happy home for you, and you are more than willing – if not absolutely eager – to help me in doing so. You have made this transition so very smooth and I needed to put it all down in indelible print for you to always remember. And I wanted to make everyone who reads this know how truly proud I am of you both.
You have had people in your lives walk away from you because of their inability to realize your splendor and importance as they chose to ignore the things you and I know as safe truths. I too have had people I know and love choose their personal comfort and routine over me and what is right. I understand that feeling very well. But still it is something that even your daddy and I will never be able to explain to you. I wish that I could, but I think I’d rather be thankful in the knowledge that I’m unable to even fathom such an act of attempting to break it down to something explainable.
All I can do is tell you that you will never go one single day of your lives without knowing
how special you are
how loved you are
how important you are
how smart you are
how necessary you are.
And I will never, ever, ever walk away from you.
You will never be without that feeling of undeniable security. That, I promise you.
I can’t tell you what tomorrow will look like out there, or next month, or even next year. I can’t make you any promises about the rest of the world. But I can promise you that we are in this together and you are safe and loved during every single breath of your life. And you are never to forget that, my dears.
